Ah ! Football ! What else can unite a Nation such as ours if not footie. Saturdays and sundays are filled to the last standing position as football lovers crowd viewing centers to see live matches. Nkowbi sellers, yorghurt and “puffpuff” sellers, beer, soft drinks and any kind of liquor sellers always have a full day ! This time around tho’, its was the Champions league game between Chelsea and Barcelona and it happened on a wednesday. As usual with Chelsea fans, the noise on the streets were deafeaning as Chelsea, due to the amount of africans in the squad, got a lot of Nigerian supporters…and trust me, you wanna be on their side when they are in action.
So,  here I was, closed from work early, almost got knocked down by a “Chelsea” dry gin-drinking Chelsea fan cum Okada rider who shouted “up chelsea” as he hit a bump…hmmmn. Well, I got home in one piece, got to d already filled viewing center and wedged myself in-between a dude with a body odour strong enuff to wake a dead man and another with a mouth odour so bad that it smells b4 d dude even opens his mouth !!
Mehn, I look 4 seat taya, I nor see. The one with d halitosis was a Chelsea fan…the body odour dude was a Barcelona fan. I just wanted a good game and hoped the better team gets the win.
7.45, The game kicked off. Already, bragging, bets and wagers were set. The noise was mad, d booze was flowing, the viewing center was over packed and tensions were gradually gettin strained. A miss-pass by John Obi-Mikel brought about curses and abuses from some foul mouthed peeps. Some idiots already have started d usual “yanyanpoo” arguements.
“Oloriburuku, pass” ! Yelled one man. “Wayray ni mikel yi oo” screamed another. As d game got to the 34th minute with barcelona dominating, Messi hit the post and there, wahala began to rear its ugly head.
The Barcelona fan, body odour had creamed my shirt with sweat to the point that me sef don dey smell like am. The olodo removed his roundneck and my people, lo and behold, he had “George Bush” on his armpit !! And trust the mofo, he just had to always raise up his hands each time Barca made a good play with his “jungle” scraping d edge of my face!!  Now, mouth-odour on the other hand, had tried to no avail to engage me in a discussion about the game, each time sending me to partial unconsciousness as wave after wave of d rotten egg-smelling mouth-odour reached me. Plus, I had spittle all over my face each time he talked…mehn, I suffered.
As sergio busquets put barcelona ahead, the Bubble burst. “Wahala”, who had been lurking all day decided to come into the party.
“Goooooooooaaaaaaal”, screamed d Barcelona fans as dey jumped up, scattering everywia. It was that moment that Body odour a.k.a Barca fan decided in the spirit of celebration to give Mouth odour, a.k.a Chelsea fan a “beer” hug. And you know how quick mouth odour people’s temper can be. Na there wahala start.
“U dey craze” ? “Dem swear 4 u ? “, shouted mouthodour as he pushed barca boy away. No do no do, gbege start. Immediately, another barca fan pushed him back, next thing you know, it was a free for all fight. Uppercuts, blows, bottles, stones, chairs etc were hauled around. Some lost teeth, some had swollen eyes, some were bloodied as both sets of fans targeted one another.
“Dat guy na Barca fans”, make una hol am !, screamed one boi pointing at me . How I wan take explain say I nor b wetin ? 4 wia bois eye dey chook ?? Omo, I negotiate with my leg as I broke  Usain Bolt’s record !
After 12mins, calm was tentatively restored. Miraculously, the TV was not broken, everyone comported dia selves and we got on with the 2nd half. The tension was so strong that even passersby and shop owners have locked up. It was like a bomb was ready to go off soon.
Shortly it became 2-0 to barca and the tensions doubled. Light celebrations from Barca fans, little banter and back to the game. Mouthodour and bodyodour were staring daggers at themselves with me in the middle, receiving the shoves, banter, spittle and hair !
Unknown to us, bodyodour happened to be the No 2 man of his street gang called, “ija omode” and as mouthodour pushed him, he had run to his hood to rally his “eru iku’s” and troops to save face.
Then, Ramires just had to score for Chelsea and that was it, all hell broke lose !! As chelsea fans scattered the whole building, celebrating, hooded dudes armed with cutlass, matchete, broken bottles , and oda weapons of iniquity stormed the viewing center, doing all sorts to anybody or thing wearing anytin Bluish…
Ol boy, na vigilante finally make tins end ooo ! We didn’t even get to see Torres’s goal sef as me don dey inside my house my with my head banging from a meticulously placed knock right in the ‘koko’ of my head by Mouthodour !  
Since that day, though I still go to the viewing center. I make sure I sit at the entrance or stand near the door so that I wee now now coman avoid stories that touch afterall, na tree near tree make pesin believe say monkey dey jump ooo !!!

Written by Nick Benson-Osagiede with the handle @nykelodeon on Twitter.

14 thoughts on “GHEN GHEN !

  1. hahahaha lwkmd. I’m not a football fan but i could see a clear picture of what happens when you guys go to joints to ‘watch ball’. Nicely done!

  2. Nicki, interesting write-up, very down to earth, but check punctuations, they define d pace of every write-up. Big ups.

  3. Haha, very funny shii. Laughed all through till †нε end… Thanks for putting smile on my face after a very tiring day

  4. From the 1st line, I knew it was a rib cracker, especially wirhg your being sandwiched in between two wonderful people. Jesus at crucifixion wouldn’t envy you. You remind me of how I lost my eye glasses at a viewing centre during Holland 2005 final.
    Nice piece Nick, can only get better

  5. Good story, great narrative… But check punctuation and capitalisation.

    I normally tell my brother that in a viewing centrw, the game is always 100% more interesting than watching alone at home… The side attractions always plenty.

    Nice piece sir!

Tell me what you think

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s